When I was pregnant with my first son I had such vivid, colorful dreams. I would often wake and remember every detail. In one of those dreams, I looked down at my pregnant belly, and found that my skin was so thin that I could see right through to my baby and see all his features in detail. I then lifted him up, brought him to my breast and he began suckling at my breast as naturally and comfortably as if we had been doing this for years. It was blissful, it was perfect, it was…not how it would end up being in reality- at all.
Blissful motherhood moment, even though breastfeeding was not working well.
I had a difficult time breastfeeding both my sons. My experience is relative though, so compared to some women’s breastfeeding journeys, mine was amazing and simple. But it was not what I expected or prepared for at all. In my mind I had been cursed with a ton of issues and for the few first weeks I thought breastfeeding sucked.
I had read the online groups, I knew all the facts, I had bought a couple of nursing bras. I paid attention in our class on breastfeeding and I figured I had a pretty good idea of this whole “latch” thing. I was ready to breastfeed and I was stubborn and proud enough that nothing would hold me back.
Cue the birth of my son. After a couple of days it seemed like all was good. Except for the fact that my nipples were raw and sore and I dreaded every 45 minute long feeding. That part wasn’t so great- but here I was, BREASTFEEDING! Then, the weight gain issues started, the pressure started building and the exhaustion set in. There were tears. Lots of them. Mine and the baby’s. I started to get really stressed and suddenly this idea that breastfeeding as this beautiful thing that birthing goddesses like myself did was starting to seem like a silly notion.
My husband and I argued about whether we should start giving formula. He was against it, but all I wanted was a break. I started to think parenting would be so much easier if I wasn’t dealing with all this feeding insanity. I started to resent breastfeeding. It had become an entity all its own. Every time I had a bad moment in the day, I blamed Breastfeeding. If I was tired or the baby cried, it was because Breastfeeding was up to no good again. Breastfeeding had started to become like a house guest who overstayed their welcome and I wanted her to leave…
I often talk publicly about my struggles with breastfeeding, with friends and family, with clients and with other new and expectant moms. Someone recently commented on how my story scared them and caused them to worry, which is never my intention.
I want other women, and partners and friends and family members of new and expectant moms, to know that breastfeeding can sometimes suck. It isn’t always a beautiful moment, or intimate and quiet and perfect. It sometimes has rough beginnings, and involves learning and tears and working through issues and sometimes it just requires lots of determination and support.
Because guess what? It got better for me. I reached out. I got in touch with an IBCLC to help me. My midwife provided support and referrals. I listened to a wise person who said “Make it through the first 3 weeks. It’ll get better. Don’t quit on your worst day.” I worked through the issues and breastfed my son exclusively with my breastmilk. He weaned at 16 months. We had moments of perfection and times where I thought, “Hey breastfeeding, I’m SO glad I let you stay.”
And when lots of the same issues came back when I gave birth the second time, it was just as hard and I still cried! Being a new mom isn’t easy and you NEED support if you want to reach your goals. But, this time I knew the payoff was great, so I kept at it and managed to reach (and surpass) my breastfeeding goals once again.
I’m putting it out there: Breastfeeding isn’t always easy. In fact, some days it can be awful. It isn’t always perfect and there isn’t always a right or wrong way when it comes to feeding your baby. There are so many options and there are so many paths to take. But, if you want to make it work: Make a plan. Set some goals. Find your support people. Know where your breastfeeding resources are. Make friends with other breastfeeding moms. And remember, don’t quit on your worst day.
