Whenever I’m asked if I needed a doula at my birth I know the person I’m talking to likely hasn’t yet asked me “What does a doula DO at a birth?” Because if they had, they’d know why a doula cannot doula herself.
I will save my explanation of why everyone does not NEED a doula at their birth for another day. (It’s true-not everyone needs or requires a doula.) Instead, I’ll explain why I, Megan Howarth, have not, nor will I ever, give birth without a doula.
Let me first begin by telling you about my amazing husband, Peter. He is a sensitive, talented, and very devoted husband and father. He isn’t even the type to faint or cry at the sight of blood. He never once gave me a weird look when I decided that I wanted to prepare for a natural birth for our first baby. He willingly, and happily, attended our midwife appointments and prenatal classes and was very involved in the pregnancy and preparation for birth. Yet, I still hired a doula for my first birth and TWO doulas for the birth of my second child.
You see, Peter had never attended a birth. He had never watched a woman in the throes of transition and he had never seen a woman push a baby out. Amazingly, although he had toured the country and traveled the world, he had never once cleaned up amniotic fluid or held a bowl while a woman giving birth threw up. On top of all this, he had never helped someone learn to breastfeed and had never lived through the first few weeks with a newborn. He was an expert on me, but a total amateur when it came to birth.
Luckily for us, Peter’s sister was an experienced nurse working in the NICU and L&D ward of a busy Toronto hospital. She had also trained as a doula and had been attending births for years before we got pregnant. Oh, and did I mention she was also an IBCLC (the gold standard when it comes to breastfeeding experts). It was pretty much a no-brainer- she would be on-call for us at a moment’s notice, and when the time came, she hopped on a plane and ran to my side while I gave birth to my first son. She doula-ed me through the birth, held my son while my husband supported me through getting stitches from a bad tear, and stayed with us to cook meals and help with breastfeeding in the days after the birth.
Fast forward a few years later, having now become a doula and having attended all sort of births, the time came for me to give birth again. Did I now consider myself an “expert” on birth? Someone who could just doula herself through the process because that’s what I now did for a living? Ummm, NO.
I was now a fairly experienced doula, and without tooting my own horn too much, I considered myself to be pretty good at supporting women in birth. Was I suddenly going to be capable of supporting myself in birth? Last time I checked, I hadn’t become so flexible I could massage my own back or give myself hip squeezes. I also couldn’t comfort myself or calm myself when I felt like things were too intense. A birthing woman needs to stay as deeply in her birthing mind as possible, without having to manage outside issues like getting a washcloth, finding the barf bowl, or filling the bathtub.
Was Peter, having attended ONE birth, now an expert at birth attending? And even if he were the best dude-la around, it was still the birth of his child. He still needed to be supported, and helped. What if this birth was long? What if he needed to rest or eat? What if our older son, Dylan, was missing us during the birth and wanted Daddy? Who was going to be there for me, better yet, for us?
Ah-ha! Smarty-pants that we are, we hired two wonderful doulas who were on-call and available for us. When the time came, I called them and they walked/taxi-ed over to our place to support us in the wee hours of the morning.
Once they arrived, I was able to sink into my labourland. I knew that if Peter needed something, someone could take care of it. I knew that if I was in pain or thirsty or wanting to chat, someone would be right there next to me waiting and willing to do what I needed.
It’s quite lovely having a doula support you at your birth- even if you already know what’s coming next, or you know what it will feel like. The feeling of support and calm, and the feeling that both myself and my husband were taken care of by women who knew what we needed created such a relaxed and easy atmosphere.
It’s exactly why this doula will NEVER give birth without a doula (or two) by her side.
My doulas look on as my midwife weighs my son, Miles.
