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how to spice up your sex life

Moms Who Get It On- Part 4

I’ve been thinking that maybe I need to change this series to : Moms Who Barely Have Enough Energy to Get it On. Or perhaps, Moms Who Wish They Felt Like Getting It On.

I talk with enough women in the different aspects of my life that I know this whole topic, sex, is a struggle for many.

It’s just not so simple when there are so many factors keeping us from leading the wild, romantic, sensual, spontaneous sex that we want. We’re all wondering how to spice up our sex life?

1st off, the obvious. Those energy sucking, I mean lovely, children we birthed. Taking care of kids is draining and definitely not sexy. I think we can all agree on that. So, for many of us, to suddenly take our Mom hat off at 8pm and put on our Sexy Wife hat can be really difficult and takes a lot of effort from both us AND our partner. Add to that the breastfeeding, the post-birth recovery, the hormones, and the sleep deprivation. It’s no wonder that it can take us a while (cough…years even) to even start heading back in the direction of our pre-baby sex lives.

Other factors that keep us from being able to jump head first into sexual bliss include, but are not limited to: long ass days where our bodies are constantly being demanded of and intruded on, partners who also work long ass days, feeling disconnected from each other because of our long-ass days, a new Netflix series, insecurities about our bodies, feeling resentful about our roles in or outside the home, so much time passing that we don’t even know how to initiate being loving or sexual anymore, having to clean up after multiple people every evening and then wanting to just go the F*ck to sleep, and the list could go on and on.

It’s been said so many times. This is a very hard stage to be in for most women and for most partnerships. Having young children is pretty much the best birth control out there. A friend of mine calls it the “Pressure Cooker stage” because it is like having your life constantly put under the stress of feeling like you need to be doing it all and not being able to.

Guys, I’m tired just writing this blog, and I haven’t even started cleaning up after another day of life. In fact, I probably won’t because it’ll look the same tomorrow.

So, let’s dive into someone else’s life then, shall we? I know you all love these glimpses into the bedrooms and secrets of other people…who doesn’t?!

Moms Who Get It On Profile #4- Colleen.

Colleen has 3 kids under 5, with the youngest being only 11 weeks! (I can’t believe she even found the time to answer this survey of mine. Good job, girl!) She describes her sex life before having kids as extremely satisfying and she was with her partner for 7 years before they had their first child.

Describe your sex life before having kids:
We were young when we started dating and having sex and as teenagers had sex often (every weekend when we were able to see each other) and often in the backseat of a car. We were very lovey dovey and he was very romantic for the first few years while we finished high school and went away to university. We would have sex probably 3-4 times a week, basically any night we saw each other. We weren’t big on going out. We would be more creative in positions then and would be more likely to have sex in the shower, on the couch, basically out of the bedroom. We were about 50/50 on initiating sex. We had time them to be sure I made it to orgasm and I would often times have multiple orgasms. Didn’t really masturbate during these years as we were always available to each other to have sex. We had quickies, sex that lasted hours and everything in between.

Colleen says that during pregnancy her libido was gone and that sex was a bit different post-baby each time.

1st baby 3 weeks. I didn’t orgasm, I initiated. I knew it was going to be painful and I wanted to get it over with sooner rather than later. I had no tearing with my first and it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting postpartum sex to be, definitely a little uncomfortable but not painful as I was expecting.
2nd baby 9 weeks. Again no orgasm, I had a c-section this time. it was very similar to the sex after baby 1. I think he initiated that time though.
3rd baby 6 weeks. He initiated. It was the most painful postpartum sex as I had 2nd degree tearing this time but out of the three “first time after baby” experiences this was the best and I enjoyed it the most out of the three. Used a helluva lot of lube for all three times which was something I never needed before kids. Currently we are not very adventurous in positions right now as it can still be a little painful. We are trying to go for quality over quantity though. He typically initiates, it lasts about 15-20 minutes. Always in bed once the kids are asleep. Some oral but not as much as we did before kids. We are not as romantic as we used to be. Sex isn’t as spontaneous as it used to be and is usually something that is suggested earlier in the day and we make it happen that night. I have been able to orgasm about half the time (so like 3 times) since baby 3. It was a relief as I really didn’t orgasm at all during sex throughout pregnancy, it felt like I was never going to enjoy sex again. We are for sure trying to establish a sex life again as it had pretty well died during my pregnancy.

Having 3 kids, a busy family life, and trying to maintain some semblance of a sex life is really hard. Having a partner who can understand this, and be patient about the changes and challenges, can make a huge difference.

My husband isn’t satisfied with our current sex life but he knows that we are in a transitional phase right now. I know he is happy in our relationship but it feels some strain when we don’t connect sexually as much as he would like as he is a very physical person. But he gets that we just had a baby and the pendulum will swing back in favor of sex again at some point, hopefully in the near future. We talk about it a lot. He isn’t as satisfied as he was before kids, but like I said, he understands the realities of having three young kids, and having to deal with nursing, exhaustion, interrupting children and things like that.

What do you think would improve your sex life? Do you think you have the answer to what would make it more satisfying for you?

We need to have sex more often. I need my libido to come back. A positive body image helps me feel more sexual and as I am still adjusting to my postpartum body I don’t feel sexy. Nursing every 3-4 hours doesn’t help me feel sexy, being covered in spit up doesn’t help and dealing with a colicky baby kills the last shred of sex drive I had. I know baby will grow out of the colic, and eventually stop throwing up on me. I am starting to work out again to make my body feel like my own again which will help me immensely. As baby grows she will become more independent which gives us more opportunity for sex and as I adjust to my body being my own again I am able to get in touch with the sexual side of me again. One thing we have talked about at length is how I need to “re-discover” myself after each kid. My body gets invaded and sustains the baby for nine months changing shape and is often times painful, then it gets ripped in half during delivery. I need time after each delivery to find myself again and feel like me and not just a vessel, a milk machine, or mom. I need to feel like an individual again and not an extension of baby for me to be able to have any type of sex life. I just have a hard time switching back and forth from my breasts being used by baby as life giving, to my husband as a sexual thing.

Sex kind of feels obligatory right now, like we are trying to revive something that died. And we will, just need to keep at it. He does respond to my needs, he knows I am adjusting to getting my body back after being pregnant, and getting comfortable in my own skin and feeling sexy again. He isn’t pushy about sex and encourages me and helps me make time to take care of myself. When I have time to do something alone and just for myself that really helps me feel open for sex as it helps me feel like a person and not just a mom. I don’t feel like sex when I just feel like mom.

Thanks for sharing your intimate details, Colleen. I know many can relate!

The key for so many of us is knowing that this can be a temporary stage. Especially in the first few months after giving birth when everything in our lives feels turned on its head. No matter if it’s our first baby or our fourth. It takes time for the body to readjust, and even then, for many women breastfeeding and taking care of a new baby around the clock can put sex further than the back burner. It might not even be on the menu at all. And that’s fine, for a period of time. Eventually, the issue needs to be addressed and one of the best ways to get back into bed is to spend a whole lot of time talking about it first.

As usual, I’d love to hear from you! If you want to be part of the story, please get in touch with me and I’ll send you the survey.

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