If you’re just joining us, we’re here to talk about sex and motherhood. How do these pieces of the puzzle fit together? What’s normal when it comes to sex? How often are couples having sex after giving birth and having children? Is there a disconnect, and if so, how we can reconnect?
We’re complicated creatures, aren’t we? I mean humans in general, but more specifically “the postpartum woman”.
This topic goes far above and beyond the 6 week mark and the healing of any perineal tearing or episiotomies at birth. It’s more than simply being physically ready and for most there are so many factors at play. Breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, postpartum depression, and even simply just seeing our bodies look so different and unfamiliar, having gone through a year of intense changes can cause our sex drive to dip down. Conversely, wanting so badly to connect with our partner, having childbirth actually increase sexual drive and satisfaction and being excited about our new postpartum body (bigger breasts- yes please!?) can cause our sex lives to be even better than before.
If I’ve learned anything since asking women to open up and tell me about their experiences it’s that everybody is so different and each relationship so unique. Who knows, maybe you’ll see yourself reflected back and see that you’re not alone.
Mom Who Gets It On- Profile #1: Betty*
Betty is a mom to one child, between the age of 1 and 3. I asked her to describe her sexual relationship with her partner before having kids:
Our first years together were hot and heavy. Lots of vaginal and oral sex in all kinds of places and a few times a week initiated by either person. After about 3 or 4 years things slowed down and we struggled with the rarity sex was happening. Things picked up after we purchased our first home and I began to want to think about kids. 2 years later we were trying to get pregnant and we had sex ALL THE TIME. It was sexy and fun and exciting.
Betty and her partner were together for 9 years before having kids (impressive!) and she describes her satisfaction as being very high, but during pregnancy she says her desire decreased and she had hip and joint pain that made sex uncomfortable.
I asked her to describe what their sex and romantic relationship was like after she gave birth:
We only had sex 6 months after. It was awful. I felt ugly. I felt disgusting. He poked me in my c section scar when pressing up against me and it hurt and I cried. It was really just completely awful and the actual sex hurt a lot. It was 2 more months before we tried again, and by then things were much much better and I actually enjoyed it. Physical fitness made me feel better in my body. I started taking classes again and the SPD from my pregnancy was gone so I could start running again.
Our relationship is very strong. Teamwork is strong around here. Now we both initiate sex equally but we only get around to it a few times around ovulation (trying for #2) and about once a week otherwise. Anywhere from 10 minute quickie to 40 minute. He would prefer to have sex a little more often but he understands that life is just busy and I work early in the morning so sometimes I just have to get to sleep and he’s staying up to work on things in the shop/home. Satisfaction is similar to pre-kids.
Finally, I asked Betty what would help improve her sex life and relationship and what helps to keep it hot at her house:
Thanks so much for sharing, Betty! *Not her real name, of course.
I’d love to hear your thoughts or comments. Can you relate to Betty’s experience? Want to join me in digging into the experience of sexuality as a mother? And partners- I know you’re reading this too! I’ve had several men express interest in sharing their perspective. Please do! Send me an e-mail, I’d love to hear from you.
