Sex after kids. Apparently people are doing it.Who knew?!

So, maybe you’ve started asking yourself why is she just talking about sex? What about the whole picture? Why focus on what is really only a part of the whole motherhood experience? Well first of all, a blog can only be about 750 words at a time and second of all, I’d have to write a book to take on a subject so rich and complex as the whole of motherhood. (But don’t worry- I just might…)

This sex after kids series has been inspired by a couple of events. The first was the creation of a Facebook group by myself and a bunch of my “online mommy friends” about a year ago. We needed a place where we could talk about our changing sex lives in an open and funny way. We shared experiences and a bunch of us soon realized that what we were experiencing was actually happening in other people’s houses all across the country. We weren’t alone.

This strange shift had happened to other people too…so I knew there must be tons more women who wanted to talk about it.

The second was a blog that I read one day. Written by a mom with kids probably the same age as mine, the entire blog was about how difficult this part of life was- the raising kids, the constant demands, cleaning, school drop-offs etc. But she went on to say that although her marriage was suffering, she knew that one day they could pick it back up where they left off and that they would get back to each other one day. But for now, she seemed content to sit on opposite ends of the couch, watching TV or being distracted by phones and somehow know that their love would endure and one day they’d have time to be husband and wife again, instead of just mom and dad.

I call bullshit on that idea. How can you expect to put the most important relationship of your life on hold for upwards of 10 years and expect that everything will just fall back into place when you’re ready? Is that a risk that you’re really willing to take?

It may not be easy, but marriages require constant work, just like caring for children does. You wouldn’t say “screw it, I’ll parent properly in 5 years, but for now my kids can watch what they want, eat whatever they want and I’ll figure it out later. They’ll be fine.” And unfortunately for you/me/us, sitting around in our pajama pants avoiding sex cause we’re too tired/touched out/can’t be bothered, probably isn’t going to fare so well for us.

That bring me to our profile for this week.

Mom Who Gets It On Profile #2- Jessica

Jessica has 3 kids, ranging in age from toddler to early elementary school. She’s been married to her husband for 16 years. Here’s what she had to say about how their relationship started and evolved:

We both had fairly limited experience in this department as we’ve been together since I was 18 and he was a rather shy 19.5 year old. We would go out occasionally to a bar or movies or with friends but only once maybe twice a week when we first lived together. We had sex all the time. Days spent in bed only getting out for nourishment. Fairly “vanilla” sex. Missionary, girl on top, or in a chair. We would both happily partake in oral sex. I had orgasms less often but enjoyed sex regardless. There would sometimes we felt the urge for a quickie or others when we would give each other lengthy body messages to tease and stretch things out. It was a good way to spend some time.

How did your libido change during pregnancy and what was it like after giving birth?

My desire increased during pregnancy and I was shocked that a few days after our eldest was born just how horny I was. Physically I knew I couldn’t but I was extremely aroused laying in bed with my partner and so was he. I felt incredibly strong and empowered after giving birth and this made me feel sexy despite my physical appearance. I gave him a few blow jobs before we were able to do the deed. Once postpartum bleeding stopped there was some petting. 3 weeks postpartum we jumped on the sex wagon. It was fairly uncomfortable but we pushed through. It was only uncomfortable a handful of times postpartum. I never experienced bleeding or anything afterwards so I was happy to continue. We were both easily aroused and horny. Apparently seeing each other in our new roles was a turn on. Honestly the thought hadn’t really occurred that my husband might find my new role and body a turn off. Thankfully he didn’t surprise me. After the initial physical discomfort orgasms seemed stronger and easier to accomplish.

What are things like now that you have THREE kids?

Sex is definitely less frequent than it used to be but I think this is the case with any couple who have been together 16 years, never mind adding 3 kids in 4 years. Again I’m not one to keep track but there are some weeks it’s 1 time and others where we have sex 4 or 5 times. We’ve taken short 4 day trips childless and had sex 8 or 9 times in that time frame. I would say my husband now initiates sex more often then I do. I’m usually exhausted by the time I get to bed that the thought of having sex can seem even more exhausting and time consuming. If the kids are napping on a weekend, I am all over it. Afternoon delights seem to be my thing. I love them. Now that naps are dwindling this makes fitting them in harder. Previously having an O during sex was pretty routine but now it seems to be proving difficult.

How do you keep your sex life exciting after so many years? Any tips for other moms?

We’re trying to incorporate new positions and toys to change things up. While the kids are asleep I jump him on the couch and when he tries to go to bed I tell him no…I’m not sure what puts me in the mood? A good sex scene on a movie or tv. A few glasses of wine. Connecting with my partner and de-stressing. My partner is generally pretty good and responding. He certainly knows how to pour a good glass of wine! I wish I was able to O during sex again. I’m not sure if this is physical? I bought ben wa balls awhile ago in case its because I’m a little looser than before having our 3rd child. I haven’t been using them. This has reminded me to start using them again to see if things improve. I’m trying to have more sex for my husband’s sake so when I’m exhausted I say to myself it’s really only 1/2hr out of my precious sleep and it is important for our relationship. Or I call my husband while he’s at work, and I’m horny, and tell him not to let me get out of sex tonight.

I have to admit, much of Jessica’s sex life causes me to be a little jealous (and I’m sure some other women as well) but this is clearly a couple who is putting in the time and effort to keep their relationship steamy. It does take an effort, which is a hard pill to swallow if you’re tapped out, co-sleeping, breastfeeding and covered in children. But, maybe a tiny bit of effort is all that’s needed for the sexy train to get moving again? Just a thought…

As always, I welcome comments and submissions if you want to take part! We’ve got so many more moms to hear from!