It’s spring again in Montreal, and since many mammals breed and birth when food is abundant for them (you know, not in the dead of winter) it’s only natural for us humans to start thinking more about… sex!
It’s been a while since my last blog about motherhood and sex, but with the snow melting and thoughts of wearing less clothing with the sun shining down on us, I figured now is a perfect time to pick back up where we left off… discussing sex after having children.
If you ever wonder about what happens in other people’s bedrooms, you’re not alone.
I’ve never had such a huge response from women (and men, obviously) on any blog topic other than this one. So, I know you’re all desperate to know: What’s normal when it comes to sex? How often do married couples have sex? Is it a struggle for anyone else to leave the day of parenting at the bedroom door and turn on the sex factor?
A friend recently told me that she and her husband decided to start scheduling weekly sex sessions. This way, she figured, he’d stop asking for it all the time and maybe she would start being interested more often. Personally, I’d probably spend more time dreading the scheduled time I was expected to act sexy, but this is a fairly common technique some couples use to “spice up their sex life”. I won’t give away any details, but their first attempt backfired in a pretty funny way. So, I’m looking forward to hearing how this plan works out for her. (And, don’t worry- I’ll post an update, for you nosy people!)
In the meantime, let’s see what’s up in someone else’s bedroom. Moms Who Get It On- Profile #3: Madeline
(Names changed to protect the innocent husbands, who probably have NO idea their partners are sharing this information!) Madeline has 2 young children and was with her partner for 3 years before she got pregnant with their first. This one is pretty detailed, but I think many will relate.
Describe your romantic relationship and sex life with your partner when you first met.
When we first met, we got together with the sole intention of getting it on. I actively gave blow jobs like I was not only a trained porn star, but a super hero. We both initiated. We could go for hours upon hours, and I would actually be happy when I realized it was 3 a.m. and I was still awake having sex. I generally don’t orgasm, however, sex was still worth it to me if I felt like a bedroom super hero. It was more about pride and fun… AND we actually made out. All. The. Time.
Madeline describes herself as extremely satisfied with their sex life before kids, but during pregnancy her sex drive was low, other than during her second trimester. After giving birth she said ” I was grateful to not have a husband being pushy for that 6 week mark, but even without constant reminders, I secretly hoped my OB would tell me that I had a rare case of something that rendered me forbidden to have sex… Ever again.”
In what ways has your sex life changed since having kids?
Instead of finding reasons to stay in to have sex, I look for excuses not to have sex. He almost always initiates, though with the right amount of wine, or if I look at the calendar and notice I’m days away from becoming a virgin again, I psyche myself up for it. My initation is pretty pathetic too; it’s like I don’t want him to ever think it was my idea in fear he will expect more. I let him think it’s his idea, and that ends up being more work and time than if I actually just made the move myself. Kissing during sex, and making out in general, is basically revolting to me now, which is so weird, because I used to love it. Once I am there it’s not bad, honestly. In fact I can actively enjoy myself if I let myself but even knowing I can feel sexy and wanted, I’d still sooner not bother. Now I feel it’s a chore instead of a prize. I don’t appreciate porn as much as I did before becoming a mom, and that is disappointing to me. I look at the girls and think “man, that’s sad, that is not what their parents would have wanted for them” and it flips my stomach. That sucks, because porn used to be a useful tool to get turned on. Now, my sex background noise is Family Guy. No seriously, almost all the time.
How does your partner feel about your current sex life? Do you think it could improve in any way?
He is satisfied with the tiger that I can be when I actually do it, but wishes we could do it like “regular couples do- 2 to 3 times a week”. He used to believe that, but I believe he has come down to reality with his expectations. It has been a deeply discussed issue. He pouts here and there, but is generally respectful and accepting. I mean, he has to be, really, because it takes two for it to happen.
I’d love to want sex again. I’d love to WANT to escape to the other room while kids watch TV and sneak in some lovin’, but I don’t. I’d sooner catch up on dishes, or if nothing needs to be cleaned, I’d rather look through flyers or internet blogs. I’ve personally gone to a sex counselor. I have also tried to talk myself into it during the day, to not prepare for it, but to eagerly anticipate it. Randomly, it works… but usually, I just chug a few glasses of wine from the box, head into the shower, and have it perfectly timed for the right buzz. Probably not the healthiest approach, but it’s a work in progress.
Can you relate to this? I think a lot of Madeline’s experiences are pretty common to many women. The idea of having so many things to juggle and sex being another expectation that we just can’t prioritize most of the time. If you can relate and want to share, I’d love to hear about it!